Forgiving
It was truly a dramatic courtroom scene. I stood, shaking and crying, facing the young woman who had caused my husband’s traumatic brain injury. It was her sentencing day and I was given the opportunity to address her before the judge. We faced each other, with less than a foot between us, as I read my typed statement. “I forgive you. Please don’t ever forget us.” When I was finished, we were both drenched in tears. And then we hugged, long and hard and full of anguish. I could feel myself beginning to heal and I hope it was a turning point for her as well.
Forgiving isn’t easy. We often give ourselves dozens of reasons to hold onto our feelings of anger and judgement. When we are wronged, the hurts run deep and seep into every fiber of our being. Personally, I felt the weight of my husband’s significant injuries as well as a personal deprivation of my spouse and the father of our children. Our lives had been completely shattered because of someone else’s very poor decision to mix prescription narcotics and alcohol, and then drive on the highway. Somehow, by God’s grace, I recognized almost immediately that harboring ill feelings towards this young woman would only be harmful to me and the people I love the most. She would have no way of knowing my anger. She wasn’t in my home. She wasn’t with me in the hospital. She wouldn’t be following us to the rehab hospital. She wasn’t in my church. Who would be around to feel my anger? My husband, who needed every bit of positivity I could muster. My children, who needed love and reassurance that, no matter the outcome with their dad, they would be okay. My friends, who worked so tirelessly to hold me up. My extended family, who were grieving and hoping with me. Some of my tribe needed me, and some I desperately needed. I shudder to imagine those precarious days had they also been filled with the strife that comes from an angry heart.
I shudder to imagine those precarious days had they also been filled with the strife that comes from an angry heart…yet I know that forgiveness doesn’t have an easy button.
Yet I know that forgiveness doesn’t have an easy button. It’s complicated and messy and takes a great deal of wrangling. In some cases, the person who needs to be forgiven is the injured person. Perhaps their injury is a result of their own poor decisions. In other cases, the person you need to forgive is yourself. I know of one case where a young child’s life hung in the balance for a long time as a result of a parent’s angry reaction to bad behavior. “How can I ever forgive myself?” became that mom’s mantra. It took years and millions of tears to counterbalance self-loathing and feelings of unworthiness. She suffered, her child suffered, her marriage ended, and the other children in the home felt the effects as well. After counseling and soul-searching, she is finally at a place of forgiveness and family relationships are healing.
What are some steps to take to find forgiveness? For myself, prayer is at the top of the list. Colossians 3:13 says, “Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.” In my prayers I reminded myself that I’ve made a lot of mistakes in my own life, all of which have been forgiven by my Heavenly Father. If I am worthy of His forgiveness, then others are certainly deserving of mine! Counseling is also a must in my book. Seek out a therapist who can walk with you through the trauma you are facing. Some people even have more than one therapist, or meet regularly with both a counselor and a pastoral advisor. Support groups are another helpful option, and many of them can be found in safe, private, online communities. As I said earlier, forgiveness isn’t necessarily easy. Give yourself grace. Recognize that the amount of time it takes to reach a place of forgiveness varies from person to person. Keep it as a goal in front of you and you will find ways to keep walking in that direction.
May God bless you abundantly as you seek to heal and forgive.